“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” – James A. Baldwin

Earl H. (newly sober alcoholic at a meeting): “A man walks up to me and says, ‘Hi Earl, how ya doin’?’ Being newly sober I have NO IDEA how I’m doing. His question frightens me. I cannot say ‘That question frightens me.’ I only know that now I am scared and that man scared me. Therefore, I hate that man.” (Paraphrased from a speaker tape)

44 years ago a pivotal event occurred in my life. I was 9. I was frightened and I did not have the tools or the caretaker capable of helping me navigate the event to a healthy outcome. My fear morphed into anger, which eventually festered into a lifelong resentment. I trusted no one, not really. I learned a set of rules to survive, to cope and played a game – show them what they want to see, please everybody. Do not show them the true me. Do not oppose. Do not cry. Do not get angry. Do not disagree. And also, do not show fear. Do not let them know they got to me. Do not let them hurt me. I played that game for so long I forgot I was playing it. It became my new reality and Me got lost. 20 years of drug and alcohol abuse to first relieve and then to hide from the resentment. 15 years of sobriety, addiction recovery, therapists, workshops, writing – digging deep, healing… little did I know that I was preparing for the big reveal.

This past year I’ve read more personal development books, attended more seminars, and done more writing, truth seeking, uncovering and facing than I have in the previous 14 years. I became so willing to move forward through unseen forces that I have allowed to hold me in place my whole life that my healing was accelerated tenfold.

Uncovering old hurts, facing them, working through them and letting them go, has allowed me to put them in their correct light.

February 1, 2019