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Tag Archives: Personal Growth

The Soul Hole (Financial Habits, Part Three)

14 Thursday Mar 2019

Posted by kathyd65 in Addiction, Personal Finances, That's Life, Transition, Truth Mostly

≈ 2 Comments

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Life, Personal experience, Personal Finances, Personal Growth, truth

The Soul Hole (More About Spending)

If you’ve come back for this one, I applaud you. I mean, this is a lot of me sharing my financial journey. I certainly hope that this has been helpful and also interesting so far, but let’s wrap this up so I can return to fiction writing and personal insights few will understand. (also, if you’d like a copy of my personal finances spreadsheets, just let me know.)

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The Soul Hole. That came to me while I was thinking about how to conclude the tale of getting in and out of debt. I mean, the fact that I continued to return to being in debt WAY over my head might be a topic to delve into, right? Right.

Do you now what it feels like to pay down debt? To make that last payment on a car you bought, or a television? Maybe your debt was a loan from a friend or a family member. I asked for a loan from a family member and I remember being very careful not to mention any money I spent that was NOT going to them and feeling a little awkward when we got together. It was restricting, and uncomfortable, but I needed the loan and they were super generous in helping me out. I made a payment each time I got paid, for the most part, and if I knew I was going to have to defer (skip) a payment, I let them know ahead of time. When I sent that last payment, it was a FANTASTIC feeling. I felt that same feeling when I finished paying off a credit card and closed the account. And when I made the last payment on a vehicle and received the registration with only my name listed, instead of with that hanger on – the lender. Bliss.

Here’s where I have to be honest with you: I have been in and out of financial straits for most of my adult life. Mostly in. One of the things I resonated with in the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki was the idea that when I received a raise in pay or a big tax refund or a check from grandma (she sent those far longer than any adult should receive money from their grandma), I did not invest it, or save some of it. I got bigger and better toys: gaming systems for the kids, clothes, trips to fun places, and more dinners out.

True story: my grandmother chose to give me some inheritance before she died – you can give anyone a gift of money up to a certain amount before Uncle Sam steps in. In three years, she gifted me and my husband enough money to put a down payment on a house, if we had put it in the bank drawing a little interest until we were able to find a house we could afford. We chose instead to take the kids to Disneyland, take a road trip, party too much, upgrade computers in the apartment we rented, pay off some bills and incur a little more debt. I literally had a minivan and payments to show for my lack of financial maturity.

I never had too much extra money and I believed (and I still do) that my Higher Power knew I was too irresponsible to handle too much money. I had a savings account after the ‘inheritance’ years and every time we got just a little bit saved to feel a little bit at ease, something big needed replacing – usually an appliance (refrigerator one year) or an automobile needed work (transmissions are costly). Seriously, I knew something was gonna break if we saved more than $500. I worked hard at my job, I got consistent raises, and I spent pretty much everything I had on what I wanted. My children left, one by one to live with their other parent, until only the child I had with my then husband was left (he was 10). I plugged along. Wrestled debt, kept my head above water (I managed all our finances – he wouldn’t do it. I screwed it up several times – and I guess he didn’t want to be responsible for it. I get it. For the record, when I chose to stop doing mind and mood altering substances, I got better at managing money, and I had more money to manage. But I still had a problem with that hole in my soul.)

Have you ever experienced the shit hitting the fan over and over again. Me too – a lot of things happened in pretty rapid succession: In 2011, my grandmother died of Alzheimer’s, two weeks after my mother-in-law died of a very aggressive form of lung cancer. In 2013, I divorced. In 2014, my mother died of ovarian cancer. And in 2015, I received a considerable amount of money. (Lots of really horrible emotional upheaval followed by a means to an end – I would have given all that money back to have my mom here with me – but that’s another story) I used that money left to me as wisely as I could – I paid off both my car and the vehicle of my ex-husband (making his payments was a part of the divorce settlement); I paid all my credit cards off; I paid off a student loan I’d co-signed. At the end of 2015 I had zero debt, I’d quit my job, and I was married again. And I wanted for nothing. I finished college and got my AA. And I spent money, because even though I was sober, I had a hole to fill – the hole in my soul that was left when those three influential women in my life died. I just didn’t know I had a hole or that I was trying to fill it.

To be honest, I’d probably had that hole since I was a kid. I remember stealing money from my dad a few times during my teenage years. I stole from employers. I stole from friends. I bought (and stole) stuff I didn’t need. I didn’t feel loved or important (this is not a ploy for sympathy – this is just my perception of the facts) and I thought if I had enough stuff, I’d be happy. I wasn’t but I was also 15 and I didn’t know any better. Once I discovered a better way to fill the hole I didn’t know I had inside, I was good, relatively speaking.

So almost 25 years later, I had enough money to buy whatever I wanted – and I did. I finally had a pair of jeans for every day of the week, and I took trips, and I bought shit on Amazon that I did not know I’d needed. (It should be said that I invested more than I spent.) The point is, I thought that if I bought enough stuff, I’d finally land on the RIGHT stuff and I’d finally feel better, feel whole. I see that now. I didn’t see that then. At the end of 2016, I received – for the first time I can recall – a statement from each credit card company (Yes, I had more credit cards, which I paid off every month, because I’m a responsible consumer now. Ha.) showing me how much I spent in 2016 and where I spent it. Have you ever gotten one of those? How did that feel? Rather eye-opening. I had two credit cards I used regularly – I got points for using them, so free money, I figured. (Lies I believed which justified spending more). In that year, I’d spent more money than I had made during the last year of my job, and I made good money. I opened that statement, and I read it, and I cried. Keep in mind that I didn’t owe this money – I’d paid it off. Still, I felt this deep shame. I felt that something was really wrong with me. And there was. It wasn’t what I thought it was though.

Over the past year (literally, March 7, 2018 to March 8, 2019) I have done a lot of soul searching, I’ve dug deep on a lot of personal issues, and I’ve come to the realization that I felt not good enough for most of my life, unimportant to those I wanted to be most important to, and to bring relief to that belief – that I was not good enough, that I did not deserve to be here, and that I was unimportant – I did things to escape those feelings. First it was books. As a child I read more than anyone I’ve ever known. As a young adult, I moved on to sex, and drugs. When I got sober, movies became my escape. My final act of escape was to purchase stuff. To buy enough stuff to distract me from myself.

This year I dug in deep to what makes me tick. I faced a lot of hard truths. I wrote and I shared and I got counseling. I even had my brain scanned. I attached emotions to physical discomfort, and dialed in to why I felt the way I felt. And frankly, I had a LOT of limiting beliefs about myself, and about those closest to me. I had to expose those lies I’d told myself, and I had to let those stories go. It took most of the year to get here. It’s taken 15 years to get ready to do this work. And today, I have a different outlook. I may be able to report back next year and tell you that I haven’t had to escape my feelings more than a few times, and in a healthy manner. I’ll set a reminder and let you know.

The hardest person to face was me. The person I lied to the best and for the longest was me. And the person I am kinder and gentler with every day is me. And it ripples out to the rest of my life. I am grateful for the lessons so far. I will never stop learning about who I am and striving to be the best version of me.

Thanks for sticking around. Tomorrow, some fiction. Then we’ll see where life takes us next. Good night.

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Another Epiphany…

27 Sunday Jan 2019

Posted by kathyd65 in That's Life, Transition, Truth Mostly, Uncategorized

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Humor, Life, Personal experience, Personal Growth, Personal Insight, truth

Another Epiphany…

Epiphany defined: 3(a)(3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure. Merriam Webster online

I’ve been establishing new habits by setting triggers or reminders in my phone to help me to remember who it is that I want to be. Every morning reminders pop off on my phone, every 30 minutes or so. Questions like, “What objective will you complete today to get you closer to your goals?” and affirmations along the lines of, “I am worth the effort. I deserve to succeed. I am really good at creating quality things.”

One of these reminders has been challenging… because of my limiting thoughts.

This particular reminder – which has been going off since September or so, is this: “What can I get excited or be enthusiastic about TODAY?” Every day since September I’ve read this question, this reminder to be enthusiastic, to get excited about something, and I’ve stalled. Until today.

First of all, for context… try it. Pick something you feel you can be enthusiastic or excited about for today. Try this exercise every day. Some of you may be quicker than I was. I say quicker because for me it’s taken 5 months for me to learn the answer to this question. The answer for me.

See, this morning I woke up and while I stretched (that first stretch of the day, under the warm covers – hands pressed against the wall or headboard, if you have one, and toes pointed toward the opposite wall, reaching toward it), and the question popped into my head (it’s automatic now after 5 months of that phone reminder).

“What can I get excited or be enthusiastic about TODAY?”

And for a brief second, I started to think of all the goals and tasks and shit that I would like to get done and what ONE thing is the most important to focus on today (this is where the limiting came in). Suddenly, however, this morning one very clear thought pushed out the shuffling, the indecision, the task of choosing… the thought – the ANSWER to my question was this:

EVERYTHING.

Be enthusiastic and excited about EVERYTHING! Not in a fake, cheerleaders, in your face, psycho way (I’ve heard it put like that a few times during this past year), but in a genuine, grateful to be alive with a world of opportunities before me kind of way.

BE ENTHUSIASTIC AND EXCITED ABOUT EVERYTHING!

The smile that stretched across my face almost hurt. I got out of bed, excited to face a day full of possibilities. I was enthusiastic about how I greeted my hungry feline. I was excited about what my daily readings might hold in store for me. I was looking forward to the morning catch-up with my husband. And as I shared this epiphany with him, I realized I was excited to share it with you all.

I am grateful for this day. As my dad has told me since I was a teenager: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” And my mother once told me, “Don’t take it all so seriously. You never get out alive.”

To wrap this up, allow me to offer this as a challenge to my assumption of your thoughts on this matter: The alternative to my epiphany is to approach today with hesitation or fear, with apprehension or indecision. I’ve spent hundreds of hours of my life hesitating to take action because “What If…” it’s the wrong action? Ahhhhhh!

So what if it is.

First of all, it’s action – take action with enthusiasm. (Let me add that when I refer to taking action, I mean take action in a way that serves the bettering of your circumstances. Enthusiastic armed robbery or binge drinking is not what I’m suggesting here). And if it turns out to be the wrong action, well… make note of it and don’t do THAT again. Tweak the action and try again in a different way (think Thomas Edison). But do everything with excitement and enthusiasm.

I have a really good feeling about this: I think my outlook on life just changed for the better. Again.

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