Category Archives: Truth Mostly

Ah-Ha Moments: What’s My Part?

18 Friday Jan 2019

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Ah-Ha Moments: What’s My Part?

(This was written early last year; briefly edited just now)

First I’m gonna hit you with some insightful text:

“…we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.” (page 62, Alcoholics Anonymous

One of the more difficult parts of growing up – for me – is admitting and accepting that I have a part in all my interactions, even the ones that go in a direction I hadn’t intended.

Recently, I had an encounter with a friend that left me with hurt feelings. “This may get your hackles up…,” I said, setting this friend up to prepare, to defend… and this friend reacted exactly as anyone on the outside might have predicted: hackles went up. That was my perception, anyway.

Except that in that moment, I didn’t see it that way. I didn’t register defense, I heard attack. “…seemingly without provocation…” And my feelings were hurt.

I am grateful I spoke to someone afterward about the encounter and my reaction. I am grateful that the person I spoke to always has my best interests at heart and feels safe in being gently honest with me about my part. I realized that I often ‘set folks up’ to react defensively – my ego still thinks it knows others well enough to predict their responses. I also speak before my head knows what’s coming out of my mouth. Truth is, I know very little about how someone is going to react to my words. I need to attend to my part of the equation instead, to state my truth, to share my self, and to let the other person sort it out as they see fit. Practice kindness, too, and show compassion. Think about my intention before I open my mouth.

Maybe watch for those toes, too, while I’m at it.

I Just Stopped

07 Monday Jan 2019

Posted by in That's Life, Transition, Truth Mostly

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I Just Stopped

Just now. Well, a minute ago – 13 minutes and 43 seconds ago, actually.

I stopped. I stopped moving. I stopped thinking. I stopped DOING.

I spent 13 minutes and 43 seconds BEING.

Okay, I spent about 7 minutes and 43 seconds BEING. I spent the first 6 minutes feeling restless and fidgety and uncomfortable. I played a calming raindrops meditation with some soothing music in the background, to clear my head, to recenter my being. And I thought. For 6 minutes I squirmed and thought, about all I’d gotten done today and all I still have left to do. I thought about the emotional pain I’ve been living through (putting myself through) and the love I’ve received. I thought about some others and what they might be going through.

Then – I remembered – take a deep breath and let it out, slowly, and with it, let everything go. Everything. Just BE.

And after the second deep breath I began to cry. I let the tears flow. Until they were all gone, for now, I let the tears flow.

After that it was easier. To spend the time BEING instead of DOING, or THINKING OF DOING.

When I felt a smile cross my lips, when I felt my cheeks pull up toward my eyes, I stopped the quiet time. I can continue. I am back where I belong.

I don’t know if you spend a good part of your day jumping from one task to the next. I do. I set timers. I take stretch breaks. I drink water. All that shit is DOING shit. Sometimes – and I forget to do this A LOT – sometimes we just gotta stop. And practice BEING.

Thanks for listening.