It’s been a long December.

First, a shout out to Inner Peace and Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha for a “Like” on my last post. Apparently, the only two people who read it. So my anonymity is safe.

Context (it might help): In October 2023 my younger sister (46) took her life while not in her right mind. It was shocking and confusing and painful, to say the least. Her death affected her father, her brothers, her two daughters, her mother, my children, her boyfriend, her ex-boyfriends, friends and colleagues, etc., etc., etc. It affected us each differently, of course, and we all handled it to the best of our ability.

Since this is my “journal” and I only truly know my experience, I’ll stick with me. My sister killed herself right after her birthday, and before the holidays, so the holidays took on a weird slant. People who didn’t lose a family member continue through life much like they did before. I did not.

My routines changed drastically. I forgot to eat, to dress, to shower, often. For months. I tried to wrap my head around the incongruent nature between the person I knew and the person who killed her. She told me what she wanted me to hear about her life, all the good stuff, the accomplishments, the positive forward momentum, and none of the real stuff – the suffering, the struggling, the despair.

First, I told myself I didn’t know her at all, how could I mourn a lie. Then I realized that there were a hundred signs in hindsight, and how was it that I didn’t see the signs. There was a brief time of “If only…” and “What if I’d…” Finally, I touched on the person I did know and how much I loved her before and miss her now. And then the anniversay of her death came. And following that, those holidays.

But last year, when Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas happened, my sister was gone for a minute and I was still processing – so I was numb, confused, in DEEP grief, and not handling life in the same way.

So this holiday season rolls around, a year later, and I host Thanksgiving. A BIG to do. Sixteen family members in my house. We had a great few days. Then they all left. And sometime during mid-December, while I’m doing the Christmas thing – baking, gift buying, wrapping, decorating (albeit, much lower key than I have in the past) – I dip. Emotionally, I dip LOW. I don’t want to get out of bed, or shower, or be festive.

I am so grateful to my friend for her suggestion that I PLAN the baking ahead of time and only do what I think I am reasonably capable of doing. I did the same for the gift buying and wrapping. I believe having certain things to do FOR Christmas helped me get through the end of the month. There was a lot of spontaneous crying – both quietly and not so quietly – and odd sleep patterns. And I moved like molasses. My husband was kind, ready for hugs and those sudden tears, and helpful when I remembered to ask for help.

Many people experience challenges during the holidays for a large variety of reasons. This year was no different. The way I approached it was though.

This year I was kinder to myself. I went more slowly. I practiced intentionality more deeply than I have before. I FELT those feelings, I journaled how I was feeling and the weird thoughts I had. I gave myself grace that I wasn’t living life like I had been before my sister died.

That was a big one, a great realization: I was waiting for the day when I felt – emotionally – like I had before she died. I didn’t put a date on that day, but I did expect it. And it hit me, on Sunday, December 22, 2024, that I was NEVER going to feel the same or be the same or do things the same way as I did before she died. Her death, that violent and unexpected act, changed me. Changed everyone who loved her, who was close to her. And ain’t none of us EVER gonna be the same.

Holding that thought, I moved through the last few days up to Christmas knowing I could do this one day at a time thing. And now Christmas is closed, and the new year looms up ahead.

I GET TO pick and choose what my life will look like tomorrow, carrying the grief, wearing it like a loose garment if you’ll allow me that phrase, walking with the grief in a way I hadn’t before. And I don’t know what all that looks like yet, what parts of me I’d like to leave behind and what new innovation I’d like to incorporate into my Self. I have a few ideas though. I’m going to slow down – my speech, my movement, my thoughts, my actions. I’m going to call more people and text them less. I may let some people go. Even go so far as to delete them from my contact list. I’m going to return to photography with an actual SLR camera. I’m going to create more, experiment more and make more mistakes. That’s a start.

Depression is hard to manage. I have the tools though.

Grief is the heaviest emotion I’ve carried, and I’m still here. Better? Different, Changed.

Christmas. It comes once a year for most people. I’m going to practice carrying the spirit of Christmas – good will toward my fellow humans, love, peace, joy, and definitely tolerance – every day, best as I can.

The tears are coming again. Gotta go. Thanks for stoppin’ by.