Writing, Just to Write

I haven’t written since July. The last thing I posted was the Door Knob. I was inspired to write about the door knob. It came to me, I got it down as soon as I could, and I really liked it. Write, just to write.

Often, when I want to post something, I’m nowhere near a pen and a pad of paper, or a computer, or cell phone. When I sit down in front of the computer and open up the Post page, I can’t remember the profound, amazing thought I was having earlier.

I was in self-pity last night: that my youth, my potential for future success was stolen – by circumstances beyond my control, by poor choices that were in my control. That lasted about 10-15 minutes. Then I put it away and went to sleep.

Last night’s pity party began in fear: “I only have so much time left”, “I spent so much of the time between 1979 and 2008 just getting by, and I feel like I’m getting closer every day to my purpose and WHAT IF I run out of time before I realize it?” I am afraid of running out of time before I ‘make my mark,’ leave behind a worthy legacy, prove (to who? to me? to the committee?) that I have value, and I DIDN’T waste so many years of my life. So, there’s where some of the fear lies.

I finished reading Walt Disney: An American Original a couple of weeks ago, and I cried during the part where he dies. (I knew he had died, but to read about his entire life and then get to that… well, read it. You’ll get it.)

See, early on in Walt’s life, he was concerned that he didn’t have enough time to do all the things he imagined, and some of the things he hadn’t imagined yet. And when he died, he wasn’t done yet (Walt Disney World was still on the drawing board, and a ski resort was in the works, too). He pushed himself hard every day, and never settled for second best (and had a nervous breakdown), and he still had so much to give. It seems, from what I read, that Walt knew very early in his life what he wanted to do, he followed that dream, and no one ever knocked him off that path. And his legacy – the people he touched, and who carried his vision – continued long after he passed. It’s still going. And his story resonated deeply in me.

Last night, I felt robbed. And I felt like the thief.

I don’t have a degree – yet. Heck, I don’t have a high school diploma. I’ve rarely had a single direction. (Think pinball) But I didn’t let that stop me from making a good living, having a family, doing enjoyable things and living my life.

And today – right now – I realize that: 1) I have enough time, b) I’ve already left a legacy, and iii) I will do what is in front of me today, and trust the outcome will be exactly what it is suppose to be. No more spending energy feeling like I missed something – like the boat or the call. No more wondering where I fit in, and what I am suppose to be doing. (Okay, realistically, there may be a little of that – of both those things – occasionally, but I’m going to keep it to a minimum and let it go the minute I recognize that I’m sliding back into self-pity.)

I’m in my final semester of community college, I’ve almost finished the bathroom counter top mosaic, and the garden is healthy. My romantic relationship is strong, as are my friendships and my family relationships. I am healthy, I have a washer and dryer right outside the backdoor and I am grateful every day for the life that I have been given. I do the best I can each day with what I’ve got, and every day I’m a little better than I was the day before.

As for my purpose, maybe I’ve already realized it and I just haven’t recognized it – yet.